T minus 1

I have my first scan tomorrow. I am terrified. I am fatter now so clearly I have a baby inside or a tumour and either way a doctor needs to see it. Other women are staring at me out of the corners of their eyes in the playground now. I spent much of my time clutching my bag to my stomach or holding Christopher over it.
Yesterday at church the pastor showed a video of a boy who, through accident at birth, was disabled and unable to talk or walk or control his muscles himself. He was in one of those wheelchairs with the head support etc. At some point in his teens he decided he wanted to run and so his father entered a race and pushed him round. Thus began their journey of competing in sporting events together: marathons, triathlons, all sorts with adapted machinery, the boy being the will and the dad the body. It was meant to be inspiring and a testament to working together etc but I just became cold with fear. I really don't think I am that strong or able to look after someone who has so many needs. So I sat in the service worrying about all kinds of deformities in this unborn child. Every birth defect I have ever heard of. Needless to say I felt/feel horribly guilty for feeling this way...
Told Simon of my fears and he did the reassuring man thing. Don't worry. Can't change anything. Unlikely. Four healthy children. Blah blah blah. My point though is having four healthy children more likely to produce an unhealthy one this time? Not that we can do anything about that.
So tomorrow I have my blood taken for the PAPP2 or PAPP-A screen (can't remember it's exact name) and then the scan of the baby. Dr Gerber will then give me a chance of Down's Syndrome for this pregnancy, given my vast age and some measurements of the bairn.
Simon flew to the US this morning, so I have had to ask my friend Annie to look after Christopher as I can't take him with me. Simon is back on Friday. Even though he has an all day meeting tomorrow I have told him that if he forgets that I have a scan I will hate him. He said, 'No pressure, then.'
I just have to pray that the baby is healthy etc and if he/she is not that I/we will be strong enough to deal with it all. Honestly, who would have children? It's an emotional nightmare.